Monday, July 28, 2008

Please No NICU

The other day I was reading another blog and saw the picture of a mom holding her newly born baby in her arms while lying in the hospital bed. I want those pictures! I want to give birth and then be able to hold my child and not have him wisked away to the NICU. I want to be able to stay in bed and hold him instead of having to waddle downstairs, get buzzed into the NICU and sit next to an isolette. I want visitors to be able to come to my room and visit instead of having to visit my baby in the NICU. I know it's silly to feel like I missed out on something with QT's birth and that I should just be thankful that I have a healthy baby boy and yet, when I see pictures like that it makes me want the "normal" experience that much more with this baby. And so I declare NO NICU this time around.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Why I Don't Like the Color Brown

So, I had a bit of a freak out this morning. I had some brown tinged cm and all the worry that had started to go away after the ultrasound last week came flooding back and then some. I have NEVER spotted. I didn't spot at all during my pregnancy with QT and really, I've never spotted ever before. I didn't even need to Google "brown tinged cm in early pregnancy" to know that it would tell me that some spotting is perfectly normal and so long as it's not bright red and so long as I don't have cramping everything is probably just fine. But there's that word - probably. That means that something could be wrong. I stopped myself from running to the phone and calling my clinic because really, what could they do? Technically I was released from their care last week and I did have an appointment scheduled with my ob/gyn in the afternoon. I pulled myself together, told myself it would all be okay, and made my way to work. There I proceeded to use the restroom more times in the four and a half hours I was there than I have in the last four and a half months. A little more brown but if I hadn't been really looking for it I never would have noticed it. Why must I torture myself?

The doctor visit went well. He was running late, as always, but when he came in the room he was super excited that I was pregnant. I had to laugh when he asked if it had happened "naturally." Nope, this was definitely a drug induced pregnancy. He reviewed my paper work from the clinic, saw that I had already had an ultrasound and yelled out to the nurse to cancel the order for an ultrasound. What??? No! I want another one. I quickly mentioned the brown spotting and my freaking out about it and then I didn't even have to ask him if I could still have the ultrasound because before I could say anything else he yelled back to the nurse and told her to go ahead and schedule one. So, that is how I got my second ultrasound today. I got to see the little guy again and the tech even checked the heart rate which was 137. Dr. Google assures me that is a good heart rate for a 7w2d old fetus. The tech also said that I was measuring right on time. Whew! Crisis averted, for now at least.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Peanut Butter, My New Best Friend

Creamy, sticky and tasty, what's not to love? Given that my queasiness is now a 24 hour/7 day a week event, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do to get by. Peanut butter seems to be my savior. I figured it's a decent choice because it's protein and does contain some good fat. For lots of pregnant ladies, protein gets to be a touchy subject. I think it's widely agreed that chicken turns stomachs. For me, chicken is always on the do not eat list whereas a big, juicy steak moves on and off the list depending on the day, hour or minute. Last night steak tacos hit the spot but now today the thought of them turns my stomach. I have been agonizing over what I will eat for dinner tonight. Ideally I'd like to be able to just pick something up on my way home. The husband is fishing tonight so I have to pick up QT from my sister's house and then make my way home in time to give myself the PIA shot. By the time I'm done with all that I know that I won't feel like making dinner so a drive-thru seems the way to go but here are the places I pass on my way home: McDonald's (too salty meat and see above for comments about chicken options), Burger King, Wendy's, Dairy Queen, Taco Bell, KFC and Subway. I can't think of a single thing at any of those establishments that I could stomach right now. In fact, just sitting here thinking about the options is making my physically ill. I wonder what is in my freezer......

Tomorrow I have my first appointment with my regular ob/gyn for this pregnancy. I don't think there will be an ultrasound but I'm just excited to see my doctor and to have him know that I'm pregnant. He was very encouraging to me during the last year and a half and it's a comfort to know that some doctors really do care about their patients. Seeing the doctor also means leaving work early and getting home early. Both good things.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

One Little Gummy Bear

After waiting over 45 minutes in the waiting room we finally got moved back to the exam room where we waited another 15 minutes. This whole time I am repeating over and over and over to myself that everything is going to be alright and even though I'm only 6 weeks and 3 days that there will be a strong heartbeat or two visible. Finally in walks the Russian ultrasound tech and my heart sinks because in all my past visits she never let me see the screen and I only truly understand about every other words she says. Thankfully, one minute later in walked Dr. Sherbahn. He did the scan and once he had located the little guy he turned the screen towards me so I could see. He did a scan of my entire uterus and there is only one little gummy bear in there. It's crazy how small the baby is at this point and even crazier how you can actually see a little white flicker which is the beating heart.

Here, see for yourself:

The circle is the yolk sack and the fetal pole is to the right between the cursors

On a totally unrelated subject, can someone please explain to me why QT loves going to the local wading pool, will sit down and even lay down in the water, but when it comes time to take a bath he screams and cries and refuses to even sit in the tub? Ahhhh, the mysteries of toddlerhood.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Be Careful What You Wish For

Last week found me agonizing over my pregnancy journal from when I was pregnant with QT. Apparently, that go round my morning sickness started in the fifth week. I was five weeks last week and nothing, and if fact, it seemed as though I had gotten my big appetite back. I was concerned and told myself that I would actually welcome feeling sick to my stomach at the mere thought of food because it would reassure me that things were progressing normally. After all, QT is a healthy, normal child and so if this pregnancy was the same wouldn't the result be the same? I know, faulty logic.

Monday I was exactly six weeks. Monday I started feeling queasy at all times of the day. Tuesday found me racking my brain to figure out what to eat at each meal time. No food seems appealing and so my meals have been an odd hodge-podge of crackers, cheese and whatever else seems to not make me feel sick just thinking about it. Today finds me running to the bathroom only to gag a whole lot but never actually throwing up. Ahhhh, the joys of morning sickness.

These new developments do make me feel more certain that the ultrasound tomorrow will go well but now I'm starting to worry about what if this morning sickness never goes away? What if it's a repeat of throwing up for eight months culminating in throwing up seven times during labor? Ugh. Now that is something I haven't wished for!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Why I Got Married

I could say that I got married because I really and truly love the husband, that he is my soul mate and we were destined to be together, that he completes me and blah, blah, blah. But really, I'm not that kind of a gal. Yes, I do love him but you have to understand, when I was picking out our wedding invitations I shocked the salesperson by stating that I didn't want one of those sappy invites that mentions "love" and "joy" and all that lovey dovey mumbo jumbo. I'm a practical gal who loves without having to use flowery language to express that. In the words of some bad 80's rock band I'm a "more than words" kind of a person. And so, I expect the same from the husband. Do rather than say. And, that normally works out pretty well, except when the husband isn't around. So, when the hose that carries the water from the washing machine and into the laundry tubs mysteriously falls out and all the water pours into the basement, he shows how much he loves me by telling me to stay out of the way while he cleans it up. But, like I said, he's not here which leaves only little 'ole me to clean up the sudsy mess all the while swearing because hey, this is exactly why I got married, so that I wouldn't have to deal with messes like this!

On a brighter note, QT and I perfected giving each other Eskimo kisses today. I sometimes joke that I am having children in order to have someone to clean my house for me, but truth be told I wanted to see the beautiful smile on a little boy's face when we rub noses together. Shhhh.......don't tell anyone.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

PIO is now to be called PIA

Every ivf girl knows that PIO stands for progesterone in oil, the most dreaded shot of the entire ivf process. The needle is longer and thicker than the ones used for the stimulating drugs and the shots must be administered into a muscle, not just under the skin like for stims. For most women their partners do the shots for them. It's a way to get them involved and a way for us to not have to contort ourselves to try and give ourselves shots in the behind, not to mention, the sheer fear of doing such. Unfortunately for me, the husband is gone this entire week. I don't really have anyone else that I would feel comfortable asking to give me the PIO shot so I've been doing them myself. Here's the procedure:

I choose to do them sitting down and always in my right hip because I am right handed. I load the syringe with the PIO and then I pick the spot I want to stick. I move my hand back and forth in a darting motion trying to get up the courage to actually jab it into my skin. This goes on for, two, three, no jab, one, two, three, no jab, one, two, three, buck up and just do it already, jab! Taking the needle out is perhaps even more nerve racking than sticking it in. You see, there is often blood, and sometimes lots of blood, after the needle comes out. My biggest fear this week is that I will run out of places to stick myself since I am not switching sides. I already have huge bruises from past sticks so it's limiting where I can put new ones. Not to mention that if I brush up against something just right I can feel the soreness of all those jabs. Even just carrying my purse causes discomfort because it rubs right where the bruises are.

And so, for all these reasons, I am declaring that PIO, progesterone in oil, should now forever be called PIA, for pain in my ass, literally.

Monday, July 7, 2008

March 9, 2009

That is my due date.

Yesterday I was at a family cookout and one of my cousins asked the dreaded question "so when will QT be getting a little brother or sister?" But, you know what? I was more than happy to respond with "March 9, 2009." At first she just kind of stared wondering how I could know the exact date I would have my next child and then it dawned on her that I am pregnant. It was fun just watching her react.

My parents have become quite found of saying that I am going to have quads. Now, for that to happen I would need both embryos to have split into identical twins and then every one implanted. Do you have any idea what the odds of that are? I know they are saying it because they don't really understand the ivf process that well and everyone assumes that high order multiples are a result of ivf even though in reality it's normally from iui's, but, at the same time, I would have liked a hearty congratulations from them instead of instant questioning as to our decision to try for a second child.

It is going to be a weird week. First, I'm worrying a lot about the upcoming ultrasound. I wish it was this week instead of next so that I could just put my mind at ease. Second, the husband is gone the entire week taking his preliminary exams for his PhD. I know how much pressure he's under and so I hate that he's alone the whole time. Oh, and I don't really like being home for an entire week without him. Third, QT is going to be staying overnight with his grandparents tomorrow and possibly even Wednesday night. What will I do in my not so big house all by myself for two nights in a row? Normally I'd open a bottle of wine and watch bad yet can't stop watching them movies but I'm pregnant so that cuts out the wine. But, I suppose I can still watch the movies. Yesterday I caught Center Stage. If you haven't seen it, I don't recommend it, even though I have seen it at least five times.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

We Have a Doubling Beta

Woohoo! And thank goodness. They called really early today so I didn't have to suffer long waiting for the results but my heart still sank into my stomach when I saw the clinic's phone number on the caller id. My beta hcg level went from 98 to 271 which is a doubling time of 2.04 days. So, it looks like things are right on track :-)

My first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday, July 17th. There's so much obsessing to be done between now and then! I'm going to be busy.

In other good news, I get to wean myself off of the estrogen patches. I'm pretty sure they are what have been giving me dizzy spells. Even better, last visit the nice nurse gave me some extra patches so that I wouldn't have to order more from the pharmacy. Free drugs are always a good thing.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

T Minus 11 Hours

It's shaping up to be a long day tomorrow. I have to rise and shine early and be out of the house by 5:45 a.m. so that I can drive to Gurnee for my second beta at 7:00 a.m. Then it's driving back to Milwaukee and to work worrying the entire time about what the beta will be. After work I have acupuncture and if I'm lucky I'll get home before QT is in bed.

I was at Target today and wandered into the newborn clothing section. Oh my goodness, there was the cutest polka dot pajamas. I almost scooped them up and bought them but then stopped myself and made myself promise not to buy anything for this baby until I know the sex. After all, what little boy wears green, yellow and pink polka dots?

Sooooo, if I can't buy baby clothes that can only mean one thing, that I will start buying maternity clothes! I've already picked out a few things on that I want to get. I did save every last piece of maternity clothes from the last time around but I was pregnant in the summer and this will be mainly a winter pregnancy (at least that's when I'll be beached whale huge). I always hear women say how they don't want or don't like being pregnant in the summer but really, I think winter will be worse. It means having to find a maternity winter coat. It means pulling on boots and trudging through the snow with a huge pregnant belly. I'm up to the challenge but in the end I'm sure I will have found sunny August easier to handle.

I bought a pregnancy journal today. One of the questions is why did you first suspect that you were pregnant. Do you know what it was? I can no longer eat as much as I used to. Isn't it amazing that pregnancy seems to be the most effective diet I've ever been on? Maybe there really is something to that HCG diet I've read about.