It's a New Record

Last night I beat my record for most number of vials used during a blood draw. Previously, the most I had ever had taken was 14 vials but last night I hit a new record high of 15 vials. Something to be excited about? Not really, but I can't tell you how relieved I was that someone was even taking my blood.

After the screw-up with the doctor's office where they forgot to run some very important tests on the blood I drove all the way to Evanston to give, I thought I would have to drive all the way back down there. After some discussion the nurse said she'd try and find a lab here to draw the blood and run the tests. The tests being a bit out of the norm, it came down to one lab that said they could do them. Saturday morning I presented my arm at the appointed lab but alas, no-one there knew what one of the ordered tests was. After waiting 40 minutes a decision was finally made to send me home with directions to return Monday if they had things figured out.

I was upset by getting jerked around yet again, and even more upset that the days until my next cycle starts just keep ticking away and I still have no plan of attack for next cycle. The delay in this testing delays everything else as well. And yet, at the same time, I'm just coming to accept that very few things have been going the right way for me lately.

In the end, the lab called me yesterday to report that they could indeed to the tests and I went back to the lab and had 12 vials of blood taken from my left arm and three vials of blood taken from my right arm. As she drew the blood, the technician and I were talking. Turns out she lost a son at one month old. I can't even imagine.

One Day

That's all I'm asking for, one day. One day of not seeing pregnant women everywhere I go. One day of not thinking about how I'm about to reach the one year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant. One day of not thinking about how I'm about to turn 39 and rapidly running out of time to have another baby. One day of not mourning the loss of my two little babies. One day of not worrying about when or even if I will ever get pregnant again.

It's such a little request and yet it's not within anyone's power to make it happen.

I fall back on the wise words of Van Morrison, "momma said there would be days like this." He didn't mean bad days, but good days. Days so good that just the day before you would never have believed it was possible. There will be days where everything goes right. I'm just waiting for that day.

Trooper

Today Dr. Coulam called me a "trooper." I guess when you've given birth to three children, had a D&C, had easily 50 ultrasounds, twice as many blood draws, a HSG, a hysteroscopy, two IUIs and an IVF, and go to for weekly acupuncture treatments, having two or three more tests done doesn't really phase you.

I made the long drive this morning so that I could have a uterine blood flow study, a saline ultrasound and 12 vials of blood drawn. Apparently, the blood flow to my uterus is normal and the ultrasound showed no anatomical impediments to my getting pregnant or carrying a baby to term. So, good news. The results of the blood tests will take a week or two so I'm back to waiting. I'm just hoping I get the results in time to decide on a plan for my next cycle. Times a wastin'.

FINALLY

I finally have a doctor who is willing to do something...........do something so long as I'm willing to pay lots of money, but willing nonetheless. At this point I'm just so jaded and so tired that I can't even muster up much anger over the ludicrous expense of mere blood work. I know that I'm at the end of the road of doctors to go see, tests to have done and treatments to look into so I might have just reached acceptance mode. I'll shell out $1,000 for blood tests if it means that someone will finally give me some answers and spell out possible treatments.

So, Dr. Coulam was very reassuring. She actually read through my records, reviewed all my past blood work results, and discussed my entire history with me. And she listened, really listened to what I said. It sounds simple but it happens rarely with doctors. She does not think my losses are chromosome related and so she wants to investigate the other three possible issues. One is that there is something anatomically causing the pregnancies to fail and so next week I will have another hysteroscopy to check for fibroids and polyps and also a uterine blood flow ultrasound to make sure there is enough blood going to be uterus to support a pregnancy. Second, the million and one blood tests to check for clotting and immune issues. Third, blood testing for the husband to see if my body is possibly reacting to some part of his contribution to the baby. After the test results are in I will meet with her once again so we can review the results and discuss possible treatments. So for right now I'm satisfied that I'm on the right path and with the right doctor. I only wish there was some way to make this all go faster.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

My chart looked very nice this cycle. I even had a brief time where it was triphasic. Normally that would bring on some excitement but when you start testing at 9dpo and day after day after day you see negative tests it kinda puts a damper on things. Let's face it, in the end it doesn't matter how good things look because the only thing that really needs to look good is two lines on a pregnancy test. I'm now 15dpo and I'm stopping the Lovenox and progesterone.

This morning right after I looked at yet another negative test, twisting and turning it in the light willing a second line to appear, SB woke up and asked if he could get up and come lay in the big bed with me and snuggle. Sure buddy, of course you can, and at least that made things a little bit better.

Friday I'm going to see the reproductive immunologist in Chicago and she had damn well better have some answers and a plan for me or my next post may just be from an insane asylum.

Doctors suck

That about sums it up.