Friday, February 26, 2010

The Days are Long, The Years are Short

QB turned one this week. She's an amazing little girl, such a cutie and almost always happy. She's a bright spot in a sometimes very bleak world. I don't know an entire year has gone by, specially when there are some days that just seem to drag on forever. I can't wait to see how she continues to grow up but I have to say that a big part of me misses my baby and even more so with all the doubt swimming around in my head about if we'll ever have another child.

This week I also finally saw the Super Doc although I am not quite sure what was so super about her. She was pleasant but I was disappointed that she hadn't reviewed any of my records, including the pathology report. Basically I had to tell her everything and then she based her opinions and conclusions on that. Gee, hope I didn't get anything wrong. In a nutshell she thinks that my miscarriage was a result of low progesterone. Without enough progesterone in the very beginning something was wrong with how the baby implanted and she thinks the big bleed I had on Christmas Eve was the result of the placenta pulling away from the uterine wall. In her opinion, the supplemental progesterone I took through 12 weeks only prolonged the inevitable. Without it she says I would have lost the baby between 6-8 weeks. Needless to say she's not a big fan of supplemental progesterone. I only thought to ask why I couldn't have just kept using progesterone AFTER I left the office.

So, she doesn't think we lost the baby due to my protein s deficiency. But, she also went on to say that with any subsequent pregnancies she would be fine with doing a therapuetic dose of Lovenox instead of the lower, preventative dose I was on. If the clotting problem didn't cause or even contribute to the miscarriage though then why the higher dose? Again, something I should have though to ask while in the office.

Lastly, she said that she thinks we'd have better success if we return to doing IVF because all those drugs would make the uterus more receptive to a baby. I guess that's an easy recommendation to make when I'm sure she makes enough money to do as many IVFs as she'd like. For me it's not quite that simple.

On my drive to work after seeing Super Doc, I formulated a plan to call a fertility clinic here in town that does a less expensive full IVF and also an even less expensive mini-IVF procedure. I got busy at work so I didn't ever have time to make the call and later that evening I found out that the doctor who ran the clinic had DIED two days earlier. He died and with him my cheaper IVF option and small glimmer of hope also died. I'm still a little stunned by this turn of events.

What's a girl to do? Research, research and more research about where in the world to do IVF at a price I can actually afford. Perhaps a vacation to Costa Rica is in my future!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Tea and Sympathy

Today at work a get well card landed on my desk. It was for a co-worker who fell and broke her ankle and arm. I was discussing something with another co-worker so I didn't sign it right that very second. A few minutes later I was asked if I had signed the card and if not could I do so because it needed to get into the mail today so the injured person could receive it. You see, it had been almost a full week since she was injured and horror of horrors, the office hadn't done anything for her yet. This is the same office that did nothing (not even send a card) when I lost my son. Needless to say that little reminder made for just a wonderful afternoon. I keep hoping that in time all these little things won't hurt quite so much.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Best Part of Day

Last night could not have been a better night. The husband was working so I guess perhaps it would have been better had he been home but overall it was pretty darn close to perfect. As is our custom, right around 7:00pm we all head up to the "big bed." SB crawled atop our bed and proceeded to shed his clothing until he could declare himself to be a "naked baby." While he undressed I changed QT into her jammies. She laughed and smiled and then we settled into the rocking chair. Together we read Guess How Much I Love You and Goodnight Moon and then I put her in her crib where she quietly fell asleep. SB was waiting for me so I got him into his pj's and we watched half an episode of the Backyardigans and a short Wonder Pets. Both are hard to stomach but it's easier to watch children's programming when you have your child cuddling with you. After our tv break we headed into SB's room to read stories. He scooches in real close and I put my arm around him and read him stories. More so now he will "read" the books to me or at least read along with me. When we finished the last book he turned to me and said "I love you Mommy" and then he gave me a great big hug and went and laid down in his bed.

It was the perfect night.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Something Happened!

Sometimes when SB sits on the potty he'll exclaim "something happened" and everyone in the house will cheer because well you know, there is just very little more exciting than a three year old actually going potty in the potty. Sometimes it's a little sad how excited adults get over a child's bathroom habits. SB did have a pretty good potty day today, although he's still at the point where I have to tell him to go sit on the potty and not at the point I wish he were which would be him coming and telling me that he needs to use the potty, but that isn't the something happened that I'm talking about. This morning my temperature actually dropped enough for me to think that maybe, just maybe I am going to ovulate. Of course, my excitement was short lived because the ovulation test I did this afternoon came back negative. I refuse to give up all hope though and am hoping that something even more will happen in the next few days. Please keep your fingers crossed for me as my patience is wearing thin.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Holding Pattern

I'm in a holding pattern. I wake up every morning at 6:00am and take my temperature. As I wait for the temp to register I lie in bed willing it to be higher enough or lower enough from yesterday's temp to indicate that my body is doing SOMETHING. At this point I don't even so much care what it does just so long as I don't see another 97.20.

Another thing I don't want anymore of is spotting. Today is day six of silly spotting which is just well, silly Sure, the first, second and maybe even the third day I was hopeful that silly spotting meant that my body was trying to do something but see the above paragraph to see how that is turning out.