Thursday, February 24, 2011

I Have to Admit It's Getting Better

My anxiety that is. I'm starting to sometimes say things like "WHEN I have the baby" instead of "if I have the baby." And yet, just typing that out scares me because I'm worried that I'll have to take it all back. My sanity is kept in check in no small part due to my doppler. I do a quick heartbeat check everyday and it helps to get me through.

So, I think my anxiety over the pregnancy is getting better, little by little. My morning sickness hasn't gotten the message to get better. I continue to throw up on a somewhat regular basis, although it isn't everyday like it has been in past pregnancies.

Other things are getting better as well. I had a small tooth disaster this weekend. Who knew that eating cheese poofs could result in cracking off half a tooth? I now know. So, instead of enjoying a leisurely President's Day off from work, I spent three hours at the dentist getting fitted for a crown. Oh joy. Naturally, I declined to sign up for dental insurance this year because it's just so darn expensive.

Also on the mend is my foot. Tuesday while innocently walking across a restaurant floor I slipped on a puddle of water and fell. Yes, fell onto my right knee, in front of everyone standing in line waiting to order and everyone sitting there eating. It was quite embarrassing and so my reaction was to pop back up, declare myself "just fine" and to move on. Little less than an hour later I realized that I had actually injured my left foot, which had twisted in the fall, and I was unable to walk normally. At this point I'm still limping a little but I believe all will be will in another day or two.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

You Just Can't Have it All

I can remember having this awesome feeling back in fall of 2009 that everything was falling into place. We had two wonderful children, I was pregnant with our third and the husband had a contract teaching job which we both hoped would lead to something more permanent. It almost felt like things were too good and I kept wondering when it would fall apart on us. And, sure enough, it did fall apart because we lost Trey.

Here we were again, me pregnant with what we hope will be our third living child and the husband with another contract teaching job which we hoped would extend into next year. Which has to go since we all know you just can't have it all? It would appear that perhaps the teaching job has to go. I'll admit, I'll take that over losing the baby, although it is hard to raise a baby with very reduced income.

I typically have a strong belief that things will work themselves out and so I'm hoping that is what will happen here. The contract teaching job will come through, or even better, a permanent teaching job will appear, or we'll win the lottery and somehow it will all work out. We work hard so why can't we have it all? Is that just too much to ask or expect?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Vday For Better or for Worse

Valentine's Day turned into quite the haul for me. The husband got me a new television for our bedroom, a sweet card, a box of delicious chocolate truffles and a dinner at the Melting Pot. I got him a card. Hmmm.........

Last year we celebrated Vday with dinner at the Melting Pot as well and it was a lot of fun. The food was good, the wine was good and we enjoyed ourselves in spite of still being somewhat in the fog of having lost Trey. This year, I can say that it wasn't so great. We had a reservation but still had to wait about 45 minutes to get seated. That meant we didn't even get to start eating until after 9:00pm. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I'm in bed and most nights, I'm asleep by nine. Additionally, I had a bad afternoon with several vomiting episodes so going too long without foods wasn't an appealing option and yet, eating wasn't all that appealing either. The food itself was just so-so this time around and very over priced (although I guess you should expect that on Vday.) I'm not sure we'll be going back. I guess I'd go back but only if I can choose whatever I want from the menu instead of being tied to a set menu.

Over dinner we discussed divorce. No, not for ourselves, but just divorce in general. I talked about how I had read a study that if you go back and ask divorced couples if they knew on their wedding day that they would some day get divorced the majority say yes. I find that so intriguing. The day I married the husband I had zero doubt in my mind that he was the right guy for me. I sure hope that I continue to feel that way forever. Marriage certainly isn't always easy, even I know that and we're just going on six years, but I do look at it as we've already been through what I'm sure constitutes the "for worse" in the wedding vows so hopefully the coming years will be filled with more "for betters" than "for worses."

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Ambitious Sunday

Yep, it's not even 9:00am and I've already made a meal plan for the week. Now I just need to get to the store, purchase everything and then actually have the energy during the week to make the meals. It sounds so easy and yet my plans like this normally fall apart.

When I was a kid both my mom and dad worked so when I look back at how the house was always clean, the laundry always got done and we had a "real" dinner every night, I wonder how and the heck did my mother manage that along with three children. I say my mother because my father certainly didn't help with any of that. I'm sitting in my living room right now and it looks as though we're running a daycare out of our home. There are blocks everywhere, a race car track, little doll house, train table, etc. just all out and about. The husband vacuumed on Friday but I'm not quite sure I can remember the last time I dusted everything. It was probably the last time we had anyone over. And the last time I made dinner? Well, I guess last night I did manage to make a box of Kraft mac 'n cheese but does that really count?

Other working moms, or non-working moms, or working non-moms, I'm not picky, PLEASE tell me how you manage to get it all done.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

14 Weeks and Moving Forward

So, here I am still pregnant and officially past when I lost Trey.

Today was the last of my weekly visits to Dr. Coulam. The ultrasound showed a baby that is really getting big, measuring a few days ahead and still with a good heartbeat. My natural killer cells are elevated yet again but I have been sick the past week or two so hopefully that is why. Even though I won't be seeing her every week anymore, I will still return to Evansville each month for blood work. If my levels remain elevated that is more IV intralipids in my future. I was sad to leave the comfort of her office. Her nurses are so very nice and her office also holds no bad memories for me as opposed to Dr. Bear's where all I seem to have are bad memories. It will be weird to not see the little guy every week but who knows, maybe I can implore Dr. Bear to let me have bi-weekly scans for a little while longer at least.

This weekend I have an appointment with the endocrinologist to have my thyroid re-checked. The morning sickness actually seems to be picking up as I've been feeling more nauseous more often and I've been throwing up quite a bit more. It's still nothing like what it was with SB, QT or Trey, but it strikes me as odd that it would pick up starting in the second trimester. My suspicion is that my thyroid is over-suppressed and the hyperthyroidism is what is making the morning sickness more intense. I'll feel better once it's checked out.

In related news, I'm slowly but surely weaning myself off of the progesterone. I know I was told to stop using it at nine weeks but I knew I would not stop until this point. I've scaled back from four pills a day to two and some days I'm only doing one. Next week I see Dr. Bear and so I'll ask him to check my progesterone levels just one last time and so long as they are good I'll be all done with the messy progesterone.

I think SB has caught on to the fact that I may actually have a baby. The other day at breakfast he said something about "when you have your baby" and then sometime later said "when I have a little brother." I asked him if he wanted a little sister and he said "no, I already have a little sister." Smart kid.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Time of Highest Risk

According to Dr. Coulam I am in my "time of highest risk." Hmmm, is that supposed to make me feel better? To be honest it's just been freaking me out. It's not as though I needed her to tell me that because I know exactly when things went wrong in my previous pregnancies and I know right where I am today. I know my anxiety is up because I think about using the doppler a lot more, like even on days when I've had an ultrasound and have seen a perfectly healthy baby.

My visit on Tuesday was good. The baby's heart rate has come down and is in the 160s/170s now. The baby measures right on track and Dr. Coulam says the placenta looks good. For the first time this pregnancy my natural killer cells came back completely normal. I had to laugh a little considering that I have been sick with a cold/flu thing for over a week now and so isn't it strange that they would be normal while I'm sick when illness is what should activate them?

I have what will possibly be my final appointment with her next week Wednesday. At that point I will be past my loss with Trey. We're hoping for another normal natural killer result and another good ultrasound and then it will just be me and Dr. Bear from here on out. It's super weird to think that I may be entering a phase in this pregnancy where I'll be treated just like every other pregnant woman.

So, despite the anxiety, I have been feeling pretty good about things and have even done some things like get out and wash all my maternity clothes. I've been reluctant to wear any of them because I felt that it would be bad luck but considering how huge I am (I look 25 weeks) I gave in and started wearing some of the tops and today I actually wore maternity pants as well.

Today I am mailing out the invitations to QT's second birthday party. I can't believe my little girl is turning two and I can't believe I've managed to keep this pregnancy a secret from my family this long. My plan is to be wearing full-on maternity clothes at the party and then everyone will know that I'm pregnant.........or they will think I've gained a lot of weight.......hmmm, maybe I'll actually have to tell them.