Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Let Me Explain, No There is Too Much, Let me Sum Up

When reading the title be certain to use the accent of Inigo Montoya. And, if you don't know who Inigo Montoya is, for the love of all that is holy, go Redbox or Netflix the Princess Bride.

Anyway, to sum up the reason for my absence I give you:

Today I am 8 weeks exactly. I had an ultrasound last week which showed one, beautiful baby measuring right on track with a heart rate of 137. Last night, after much searching, I was able to find the baby's heartbeat for a few fleeting seconds using my doppler and it was in the 160s.

I am overjoyed and overly paranoid.  Everything is going well, or so it seems, and I have a really good gut feeling that things are going to turn out alright but that doesn't stop me from wondering every time I eat something and then don't feel sick if the baby has died.  Why don't I feel sicker?  Wasn't I sicker at this point in my previous pregnancies? (including the one when I lost Trey so why I think being sick equals a healthy baby is beyond me but this is what pregnancy and miscarriages do to you - they make you CRAZY)  Is my progesterone level too low? (at last check it was only around 16 but when I lost Therese it was in the 30s and well, you can see how much good that did me)  What about doing the intralipids again?  Did they even help last time?  I have no way of knowing.  I do know that they nearly bankrupted me and that right now I'm both mentally and physically exhausted and that the mere thought of driving for the weekly appointments, much less paying for them, is so overwhelming to me.  These things are weighing on me, along with the larger issues of just having a family of six, four of whom will be under the age of six.  I know things will work out, they always do, and so for right now I'm sticking with that thought and trying to push all the questions and worries from my mind.

To my little baby I say "I am sending you all my love and good intentions" and, in sticking with the Princess Bride theme, I suppose I should add "As you wish."