Monday, January 31, 2011

Where Have I Been?

I've been meaning to get on and write something but the time just keeps slipping away from me.


NT scan went well. The measurements were well within the normal range and I found out today that the blood work came normal as well.

Natural killer cells came down a bit and hopefully tomorrow I will find out that they have actually reached a normal level. However, I'm not holding my breath since I've never had them be normal this pregnancy and I've also been battling a cold/cough so if anything I'm assuming they will be elevated due to that.

I made it past twelve weeks without any bleeding.

I had my progesterone level tested and it came back at 44 which means I could probably actually really stop using the Prometrium but I won't because I'm paranoid.

So, those are the big highlights but I must admit that this week and next are a very anxious time for me. It's just so hard to feel secure with this pregnancy when everything was going so well with Trey and we still lost him. We've started talking about if we should find out the sex and how to rearrange the bedrooms and possible names and it's fun and yet in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if we're jinxing things by even daring to discuss our future as if for certain there will be a baby in it. I know that's silly but it's how I feel.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Winter Wonderland

It's snowing here today. I've always thought that snow was pretty - all the white on the bare tree branches can be stunning - but, then it turns gray and slushy. It's wet and you have to brush it all off your car and shovel it and well, it just becomes super annoying. Also, it doesn't help that I know it won't be gone until March. So, every winter I begin to wonder why it is exactly that I live where I live. I suppose it's just a matter of this is where I was born, where I grew up and where my family is and that has a strong hold on me that even crappy winters can't break.

I've begun using the doppler and have been having success in hearing the heart beat. Sometimes it can be tricky to find and it fades out pretty quickly. I find it frustrating that the actual heart rate doesn't register at all on the monitor. I get readings of 125ish even when I can hear the little galloping horses that is the baby's heart beating. I'm hoping that right now it's still just too early and that the further along I get the better it will be at showing me what the real heart rate is.

More about the heart rate - at the last ultrasound it was 188 and that worries me just a little. When we were in the ER with Trey his heart rate was 190 and that was right before I lost him. So, yea, that makes me worry that it's too high. I saw my ob the other day and he said it was fine but I still would love to see it lower this week.

I'll be going to see Dr. Coulam this week and next and I also need to schedule the NT scan for next week. I know it's silly, but I've been having trouble picking up the phone to call and schedule it. I just keep thinking how with my last pregnancy I didn't even make it that far and how with Trey I did and the scan was great but in the end it didn't matter. Have I mentioned by how much I need this pregnancy to work out?

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Time Keeps on Tickin'

Each day brings me one day closer to the time I lost Trey. I'm getting more and more nervous the further along I get (isn't it supposed to be the opposite?). Dr. Coulam keeps telling me that the baby is developing normally and I assume she thinks this should reassure me but Trey was developing normally as well so I don't take a ton of comfort in that. Oddly, this week, after another good ultrasound but super crappy blood work, she said again that the baby is developing normally but then ominously added "but I can't guarantee it will continue on that way." Gulp.

So yes, my natural killer cells are right back to being super elevated. I'm so frustrated. I don't understand why just when they start to go down and I get another infusion it seems to be reactivating them. Should I not even continue to do the intralipids since it only seems to be making things worse? Dr. Coulam suggested we see what the levels are like next week (so, the results from this week) and then proceed with a third intralipid infusion assuming the levels are still elevated. She said that even in her most difficult patients she never sees it take more than three infusions for the natural killer cells to get under control. I sure hope that she's right and that everything happens in time to allow the baby to continue to develop and you know, actually be born healthy.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I Can't Lose This Baby

Today's ultrasound was wonderful. First, there was some encouraging news about my natural killer cells. The number is coming down and although it's not within normal range yet I'm hopeful that the second IV of intralipids will force them back to where they should be. Second, the baby was so adorable. I could see him (using the universal "he" because it sounds so much better than "it") wiggling around and could make out the little arms and legs. It just made me want to cry and all I could think was "I can't lose this baby."

Honestly, my heart can't take another loss, especially after seeing what I saw today. I can remember at one of the ultrasounds with Trey he was sort of waving to us and that image has stuck with me even more than a year later. I want the memories from this pregnancy to be good and joyful ones.

Dr. Coulam told me that I can stop the progesterone as well as begin to taper off the dexamethasone. Both of those things make me nervous.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


We stayed in last night. The kids went to bed at the normal time, I fell asleep probably a little after nine and the husband worked on school stuff. He came to bed right before midnight so I woke up in time to see the new year come in and then I fell back asleep. So, not a very exciting New Year's Eve but that's okay.

Last year we went out. We were trying to distance ourselves from the pain of losing Trey. I can remember thinking how I hoped 2010 would be kinder to us but in the end, that isn't exactly how it worked out. The end of 2009 was when I lost Trey but at least the beginning of that year had brought us QT. 2010 brought another pregnancy and another loss. Hopefully, I'll be able to look back and think how it also brought us this pregnancy that will ultimately lead to a healthy baby being born in 2011.

Happy New Year everyone. May 2011 bring us all only good things.