Sullivan is now just over a week old and honestly, it feels as though he has always been with us. He sleeps and eats a lot and sometimes we're lucky and he opens his pretty blue eyes. I'm in awe of how we created this little person. I try and tell myself that he is the baby we were meant to meet and raise and that for some unknown reason, Trey and Therese weren't. When I watch him sleeping I think about how lucky we are but underneath, way underneath, there is still some sadness over our losses. I never thought having a baby would make up for the losses so I'm not surprised but I was surprised by how quickly that sadness came back up.
Right when I had him, when I could feel him slipping out of my body, I was sobbing with happiness and relief. He was here and when I heard him cry I thought he was safe and healthy and when they laid him on my stomach I thought he was perfect. Later in the afternoon I received flowers with a card that said "the third time is the charm." Third time? This was my fifth pregnancy and fifth child. The third time indeed wasn't the charm, nor was the forth. I suppose "the fifth time is the charm" just doesn't have the same ring and really, this was supposed to be such a happy day, not a day to dwell on the past. And so I choose to focus on what is here in front of me and what is in front of me is pure joy.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Meet Joseph Sullivan
Joseph Sullivan arrived at 9:45 a.m. on Saturday, July 23rd. He weighed 8lbs, 9oz and was 21 inches long.
The husband, SB, QT and, of course, I are all so much in love.
The husband, SB, QT and, of course, I are all so much in love.
Friday, July 22, 2011
And the Amnio Results Show Lung Maturity!
Tuesday I had another ob appointment. I was 37weeks and 2 days and 3cm dilated. That is exactly the same place I was with QB and I went into labor less than a week later. My doctor said he'd schedule an induction at 39 weeks or I could have an amnio performed to test for lung maturity and if it came back showing maturity that he would schedule an induction for this weekend. Apparently things have changed in the last two years and it is now unacceptable to schedule an induction prior to 39 weeks without proving lung maturity.
So, yesterday I had an amnio done. The procedure in and of itself wasn't bad at all. First, they did an ultrasound to see how the baby was positioned and to measure the amount of fluid. Then, the perinatologist came and guided a very long yet very thin needle into the upper part of my baby belly. I chose to watch everything on the ultrasound so I didn't see him put the needle in. I felt a small poke and then another poke as the needle went through the uterus. It was actually pretty neat to be able to see the needle on the ultrasound and then see the fluid moving around as it was drawn up into the syringe. What I actually felt the most was him pulling out the needle but even that isn't what I would describe as painful.
After the amnio the baby's heart rate was monitored for about half an hour. Unlike Tuesday when it was mainly in the 150s, with just a few spikes into the 170s when I was having contractions, yesterday it was mainly in the 170s and getting into the 180s. I really hope that issue resolves itself after delivery as I hate thinking there might be something wrong with the baby's heart.
As I was walking back to my car the nurse called with the first set of results and it was borderline. Apparently, they do a quick test and then if that doesn't come back showing maturity they send the sample for further testing. This morning I got the call that the extended test showed that the baby's lungs are mature. So, now I'm just waiting on my doctor to call to let me know when he wants to do the induction. I've known now for some time that I'm going to have a baby and yet I'm now a huge bundle of nerves. I'm scared things won't go smoothly and I'll regret choosing the induction, I'm scared that something will be wrong with the baby, I'm scared that I'll develop another blood clot even only being off the blood thinners for a day or so, and now, as I feel the baby moving inside me, I'm even feeling a little sad knowing that this may be my last day pregnant - ever. I feel as though I'm ready and as though I'm completely unprepared all at the same time.
So, yesterday I had an amnio done. The procedure in and of itself wasn't bad at all. First, they did an ultrasound to see how the baby was positioned and to measure the amount of fluid. Then, the perinatologist came and guided a very long yet very thin needle into the upper part of my baby belly. I chose to watch everything on the ultrasound so I didn't see him put the needle in. I felt a small poke and then another poke as the needle went through the uterus. It was actually pretty neat to be able to see the needle on the ultrasound and then see the fluid moving around as it was drawn up into the syringe. What I actually felt the most was him pulling out the needle but even that isn't what I would describe as painful.
After the amnio the baby's heart rate was monitored for about half an hour. Unlike Tuesday when it was mainly in the 150s, with just a few spikes into the 170s when I was having contractions, yesterday it was mainly in the 170s and getting into the 180s. I really hope that issue resolves itself after delivery as I hate thinking there might be something wrong with the baby's heart.
As I was walking back to my car the nurse called with the first set of results and it was borderline. Apparently, they do a quick test and then if that doesn't come back showing maturity they send the sample for further testing. This morning I got the call that the extended test showed that the baby's lungs are mature. So, now I'm just waiting on my doctor to call to let me know when he wants to do the induction. I've known now for some time that I'm going to have a baby and yet I'm now a huge bundle of nerves. I'm scared things won't go smoothly and I'll regret choosing the induction, I'm scared that something will be wrong with the baby, I'm scared that I'll develop another blood clot even only being off the blood thinners for a day or so, and now, as I feel the baby moving inside me, I'm even feeling a little sad knowing that this may be my last day pregnant - ever. I feel as though I'm ready and as though I'm completely unprepared all at the same time.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Simplify
Lately I have been trying to figure out ways to simplify my life. Adding a new baby to the mix seems counter intuitive to simplifying but adding a new baby is what has spurred my desire to simplify. Most of my nesting this time around has revolved around things like getting the kitchen counter tops cleaned off and re-organizing underneath the kitchen sink and the bathroom closet. I've throw away a ton of stuff that I either haven't used in years or honestly have never used. Just how many different types of cleaners does one lady need, specially one who doesn't clean all that often? So, slowly but surely I've been trying to pare things down. I've packed up books, clothes, shoes and household items to give away and have felt great about doing so. And yet, when I look around my house I still see so much clutter. The dining room table, no matter how hard I try, never is cleaned off for more than five minutes. My closet is still so stuffed full of clothes, in a wide range of sizes, that I don't think there is room for any more to go in. The den a/k/a the playroom is bursting at the seems with plastic toys that my children are better at taking out and playing with than they are at putting them away.
I think part of simplifying isn't just about getting rid of stuff but getting rid of certain expectations I have. In my world, the toys are displayed neatly in bins and are organized according to type of toy. You know, all the toy dinosauers are together, all the Matchbox cars are together, the Goodnight Moon game box actually contains all the pieces. In this world I would never be asked "where is the mommy" that goes with the dollhouse because, of course, the mommy would always be with with dollhouse. Too high of an expectation for a four and two-year-old? You bet. And so, part of this process for me is giving up on my vision for the world. Or, put a better way, perhaps not giving up but modifying my vision. With the toys my vision has adjusted to include that the kids will put their toys away prior to heading upstairs to bed each night. I don't care where they put them, so long as they are contained in a bin somewhere. You want the mommy for the dollhouse? Then go start digging!
I think part of simplifying isn't just about getting rid of stuff but getting rid of certain expectations I have. In my world, the toys are displayed neatly in bins and are organized according to type of toy. You know, all the toy dinosauers are together, all the Matchbox cars are together, the Goodnight Moon game box actually contains all the pieces. In this world I would never be asked "where is the mommy" that goes with the dollhouse because, of course, the mommy would always be with with dollhouse. Too high of an expectation for a four and two-year-old? You bet. And so, part of this process for me is giving up on my vision for the world. Or, put a better way, perhaps not giving up but modifying my vision. With the toys my vision has adjusted to include that the kids will put their toys away prior to heading upstairs to bed each night. I don't care where they put them, so long as they are contained in a bin somewhere. You want the mommy for the dollhouse? Then go start digging!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
You Can't Change the Plan Now
From the time of my second pregnancy to now my doctor has always said that I'd be scheduled for an induction at 38 weeks due to the shoulder dystocia I had with SB. Today, at my 36 week appointment, he changed his mind and said he wouldn't schedule an induction until 39 weeks, despite not only the history of shoulder dystocia but now a history of DVT, being on blood thinners, two losses, high fetal heart rate and a very, very quick birth with QB. I work best when I have a plan and I certainly think it's too late in the game to be changing the plan now. Also, need I remind him that with both SB and QB I went into labor on my own no later than 38wk1d?
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I'm Getting Too Old for This
None of my pregnancies have been what anyone would call easy but at the same time they haven't been hard. Yes, I have morning sickness the entire time (threw up yet again this morning) and yes, I'm tired and yes, I get huge and uncomfortable but it's never seemed all that bad. And, despite those annoyances, I have always really enjoyed pregnancy. This time around I'm still enjoying it but I'll admit it's been harder on my body and far more tiring than I ever could have imagined. Is that because I'm pregnant, have two young kids, work full-time and have the residual worry about losing another baby or is it simply because I'm 39? Either way, I'm either getting too old for this or I've got too much else going on for this.
Friday, July 1, 2011
A Smidge of Drama
Whenever we discuss having babies, the husband makes me promise that the next pregnancy and subsequent delivery will be drama free, as though that is something I can help. He claims I promised him a drama free experience this time around. I do not recall ever saying that, although I'm sure that I agreed that no drama would be good.
Yesterday, there was a smidge of drama. On Wednesday my doc referred me to a perinatologist so yesterday morning I went to work as usual and was waiting for it to be after 8:00 a.m. so that I could call and schedule an appointment. Before it even hit 8:00 a.m. though my doc called to say that he had spoke with the peri and they both agreed that I needed to be admitted to the hospital for 24 hours so that they could monitor the baby's heart rate. So, after only about 15 minutes at work I was leaving, heading home to back a bag, and heading to the hospital.
Once we arrived we got situated in a birthing suite and I was hooked up to the monitors. The baby's heart rate was high, in the 180s and they could see that I was also having some contractions. Over the next five hours or so I watched tv, the husband worked on his laptop and the baby did somersaults in my belly. The heart rate ranged anywhere from the 150s to as high as 210 at one point. In the afternoon the peri paid a visit and he said that although the heart rate was on the high side that so long as it was going into the 200s and staying there he wasn't really concerned. His advice was to test me for some thyroid issue, send me home and have me return twice weekly for non-stress tests. So, a 24 hour stay turned into about a five hour stay and I was happy to go home although still a bit nervous about why the baby's heart rate is so high.
Yesterday, there was a smidge of drama. On Wednesday my doc referred me to a perinatologist so yesterday morning I went to work as usual and was waiting for it to be after 8:00 a.m. so that I could call and schedule an appointment. Before it even hit 8:00 a.m. though my doc called to say that he had spoke with the peri and they both agreed that I needed to be admitted to the hospital for 24 hours so that they could monitor the baby's heart rate. So, after only about 15 minutes at work I was leaving, heading home to back a bag, and heading to the hospital.
Once we arrived we got situated in a birthing suite and I was hooked up to the monitors. The baby's heart rate was high, in the 180s and they could see that I was also having some contractions. Over the next five hours or so I watched tv, the husband worked on his laptop and the baby did somersaults in my belly. The heart rate ranged anywhere from the 150s to as high as 210 at one point. In the afternoon the peri paid a visit and he said that although the heart rate was on the high side that so long as it was going into the 200s and staying there he wasn't really concerned. His advice was to test me for some thyroid issue, send me home and have me return twice weekly for non-stress tests. So, a 24 hour stay turned into about a five hour stay and I was happy to go home although still a bit nervous about why the baby's heart rate is so high.
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