Friday, April 30, 2010

Here a Beta, There a Beta, Everywhere a Beta Beta

To review:

11 dpo - 26
13 dpo - 65
15 dpo - 135
17 dpo - 363

Yea for doubling betas! I know they don't guarantee any kind of success, I know that all too well, but for now they are all I have to hang onto.

On another positive note, my progesterone came back at 38.96 so that is excellent news as well. Last time it was low, right around 10, and this time it's right on track.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Don't They Know????

I went in Sunday afternoon to have my second blood draw and beta hcg test done. Then the waiting started. No results Sunday night. No results Monday morning. No result Monday afternoon. Multiple calls to the doctor's office yielded replies varying from "the numbers look great" to "we don't have the results back yet."

Don't they know I'm going out of my mind with worry? Don't they know that I can't sleep and when I do manage to sleep for an hour or so I dream about losing the baby? Don't they know I'm consumed every minute of every day with trepidation? It reminds me of that scene in Terms of Endearment when Shirley McClaine is screaming for the nurses to give her daughter the medicine. I was screaming inside my head at the lab techs, nurses and my doctor to just give me the damn result.

I made one last ditch effort to get the results around 4:00p.m. and was told that although they had the hcg results they couldn't tell them to me because the doctor hadn't reviewed them. I found that interesting and worrisome since the results from my first beta had been emailed to me prior to my doctor reviewing the. The nurse promised that someone would call me. No-one called.

At 11:01p.m. I received an email with my test results:

at 13dpo - hcg 65 and progesterone over 40.

So, it more than doubled in 48 hours and my progesterone is looking very good.

I wish I could just relax but I went in last night for a third beta and am right back where I was on Monday wondering if anyone even realizes how anxious I am to find out the results? Will I get a call today or will I have to wait until late tonight to find out the answer? I'm really finding it inexcusable that they can't result a simple hcg test in under 24 hours and call me with the results.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Beating the Odds

When more than one doctor tells you that on any given cycle you have less than a 4% chance of getting pregnant you certainly don't take that as good news. When you get pregnant without any medical help whatsoever you feel shocked, and blessed, and that the pregnancy must really be meant to be because after all, you have beaten the odds. Then, when you lose that pregnancy you don't know what to think. What good is beating the odds if it's just going to be snatched from you 14 weeks later?

Imagine what you think when you beat the odds not just once, but twice.

This is from Thursday night which was 10dpo:

And this was Friday morning, 11dpo:

You name the emotion and I've felt it over the last few days. I'm elated, excited, scared, nervous, anxious, sick to my stomach, worried, relieved.............

I went in Friday night for blood work and my hcg level came back as 26 which seemed shockingly low to me until I realized that I was only 11dpo when it was taken. I've never had a beta that early before. A quick search of calmed me when it revealed that the average beta at 11dpo is 23. Yea, so that calmed me for about two minutes until I began to worry about if the number would double. And, what was my progesterone level since Super Doc had told me that is what caused me to lose the last pregnancy.

Saturday brought good news with regards to the progesterone. My level is 30 which is an awesome number. I have been using Crinone to help extend my luteal phases and to counteract the low levels Super Doc seems to think I have. From what I've read though, Crinone doesn't really affect blood levels of progesterone so is it possible that my body is producing that much all on its own?

Today I went in for the big let's see if it doubles beta. To be honest I would have preferred to just not go. I really don't think I can deal with any bad news and so avoidance seems like a good idea. I forced myself to go though and just about threw up when I was walking to the lab. I wanted to beg the lab tech to please do the test right away so that I could find out tonight what the result is. I just know that I won't be able to sleep not knowing what is going on. And yet, what assurance will I have even if it does double? It doubled beautifully last time and in the end that meant nothing.

It's going to be a very long 9 months but I'm hoping I spend that 9 month worried about my pregnancy and baby and not trying to conceive again.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Good Days and Bad Days

I woke up this morning with a good feeling about today and this week. As I drove into work I told myself that this was going to be a good week. Things were definitely coming my way. Maybe a promotion at work and the hope of getting pregnant again. I was determined to not dwell on what we have lost and instead to look to the future. And then there was the announcement from a friend that she is pregnant and my mood deflated. She and her husband struggled to have their son and so a natural pregnancy is a definite blessing and so very exciting and it's not that I am not excited for her, rather just that I am still overwhelming sad for us and what we have lost. The pain and sadness don't seem to go away. Oh sure, they hide for brief moments but they are never far behind my good mood and good thoughts. It is a constant battle inside my mind to try and stay positive and hopeful but lately I'm wondering if hope is such a good thing. When you have hope you also have reoccurring disappointment when what you want so badly to happen doesn't happen. Without hope it seems you would have acceptance and then perhaps you could make peace with whatever it is you may never get. Is that the better route to take? Should I be focusing on giving up rather than trying again?

Clearly for now I've chosen to keep trying as I am actually using Clomid this cycle. It seems nonsensical to be returning to Clomid but, at the same time, at least it made me feel as though I'm doing something to increase our chances. Next cycle, assuming this one is not successful, will be high-dose Femara along with an IUI. The RE gave us about a 7% chance of getting pregnant doing IUIs. We went to her to discuss doing a micro-ivf but she did not think we would be good candidates. Apparently, her goal for a micro-ivf is to get around seven eggs and that is what I got during a full on assault IVF. I was thinking that the goal would be to produce around two or three really good eggs. I'm still not sure why that isn't a valid plan but I'm also not a doctor. We were given a 10% chance of a micro-ivf working and that comes with about a $10,000 price tag. A full IVF would give us around a 20% chance and carries a price tag of around $18,000. That is just out of our league right now. And so, IUIs that will run around $1,000 seem to be our best option.

The RE we saw seemed to think that progesterone was not the cause of the miscarriage but she also theorized that my weight may have been a contributing factor. Boy doesn't make just make me feel great. She talked about how I should try and lose some weight and how what is a better motivator than trying to get pregnant. She's right and yet for some reason that doesn't seem to click with me at all. Maybe that is because my solace is food and so when I'm feeling down about the miscarriage and even more down about having to go through all this infertility crap again I don't want to be munching on celery. I want cake. Glorious, rich, mousse laden, chocolate cake! It's as though I can only tackle one big thing at a time and that big thing right now is getting pregnant again.

I am going to try though. I have been a member of eDiets for almost a year now and have done absolutely nothing with my membership so last week I ordered the meal delivery and my first shipment should arrive on Wednesday. I hope to only use the meal delivery for a few weeks until I can work out a reasonable plan for cooking for myself. That really shouldn't be that hard and yet time and time again I am proven wrong. Life just really seems to get in the way sometimes.

I am not giving up hope. Not just yet.