Monday, August 30, 2010

Working it Out

No, I didn't say I was working out, oh please! I said that I am working it out, meaning I am working out the next steps (still). Here I thought making the decision about what treatment to pursue would be the hard part but au contraire, the decision to do IUI has been made it's finding a doctor to provide IVIg or intralipids that is proving to the be the problem.

After playing phone tag all week with the soon to be closing fertility clinic I finally talked to the nurse on Friday. I explained that I wanted to do IUI next cycle and also do IVIg and not wait to do IVIg after I find out I'm pregnant. She said she'd talk it over with the doctor and get back to me.

Not hearing back from her Friday and not being too hopeful of hearing back from her today, I emailed the Madison RE I saw back in April to ask her again if she'd be willing to treat the natural killer cell problem. Despite her saying prior that she's be willing to do that her new response is that she's only willing to treat the issue with steroids and not with IVIg or intralipids. She suggested I see a doctor in Chicago.

I honestly don't think I can get any more frustrated. How many more months am I going to have to waste just trying to find a doctor?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Broken Eggs

So you know how I was putting all my eggs into one basket and hoping that the new new doctor would be willing to deal with all of my issues? Well, the basket broke right along with all the eggs in it. Things seemed to be going fine until I brought up IVIG and the doctor literally rolled his eyes at me and just said "no." No what I asked and he was then happy to tell me how he doesn't believe that elevated levels of natural killer cells really mean anything in relation to miscarriages. According to him, there just isn't enough data out there to support the theory that IVIG will help. Gee, imagine that, pregnant women aren't willing to be guinea pigs and risk losing their babies in order to provide data for doctors who for the most part are already dismissive of the seriousness of miscarriages. I did manage to pry out of him, however, that there is no harm in doing IVIG.

I actually took the news a little better than I thought I would. It's somewhat sad that I'm so used to disappointment.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I'm Not Good at Limbo

I'm sure at some point in my youth I did the limbo. I'm also pretty sure that I wasn't any good at it. Now, far out of my youth, I'm still no good at limbo. I'm not talking about the game though, I'm talking about going through the days, the weeks and the months with no clear direction.

We made the decision to not pursue IVF right now and I have mixed feelings about that. I know it's our best chance for another baby and so it's hard for me to not go that route. At the same time, the IVF we maybe just barely could afford is with a doctor without a lot of IVF experience. If need be, I think it would be better to later on raid my 401K to pay for IVF with Dr. Sherbahn again rather than go forward with a cheaper but chances are less successful option.

No IVF leaves us with trying on our own and/or doing IUIs. This cycle we're trying on our own and that again leads me to mixed feelings. I want nothing more than to get pregnant again but I'm also worried about how we're not doing IVIG this cycle and so what if I do get pregnant and it ends poorly? I just keep telling myself to move forward and stop worrying so much but it's hard.

I've been referred to yet another doctor, another maternal fetal medicine doc, who I am seeing on Monday. The purpose of this is to find someone willing to manage my natural killer cell issue and either have me do IVIG or intralipid infusions. I'm pretty much putting all my eggs into this basket - the basket of finally finding a doctor who will handle my issues - and I keep trying to suppress that nagging feeling of doubt that I have. I am so worried that I will go on Monday and the doc will tell me he doesn't believe in the theory that elevated natural killer cells are a problem, or, he'll say he believes in the theory but doesn't prescribe IVIG. The desperation and frustration would really peak for me then and I just don't think I can take any more disappointment right now. My plate is full enough as it is.

Speaking of full plates, I managed to spend a week out of town on business, eating every meal out and I only gained back a few of the pounds I had lost. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way I have lost all will to diet. The Fresh Diet food delivery is awesome and the food all tastes really great but I'm in a funk where I just want to eat crap or I want to eat what I want to eat instead of eating a dinner I decided on a full week ago. With eating I'm definitely an in the moment person, I get a hankering for something and I go out and get that for my next meal, so the structure of a diet is hard for me. So, I'm thinking of tabling the diet for a while and seeing if I can just focus on maintaining the little bit of weight that I have lost.

Tomorrow's Friday and I'm just hoping like heck that I get paid tomorrow. The bills are stacking up and I need to tackle them this weekend but that will be hard to do with no money.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Going Places

Thursday night I settled in to read SB some stories before bed. He dawdled trying to find the book he wanted in the easily 100 books on his bookshelf. We love books (as any normal person should). Finally his eyes got very big and his little hand reached in and grabbed "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" He hadn't picked that book for me to read in easily six months and yet that night he deemed it to be the perfect book. Of course, he is too young to read this blog or to know what I've named it. He's also too young to know that we had buried his little sister that afternoon. Sometimes I think children just know what you need without even understanding it. I started this blog in the midst of our trying for our second child and choose the name because I considered myself to be in the waiting place. And so the waiting place is where I find myself once again. I hope it's a short stay.

Tomorrow I meet with my newest RE to discuss my options now that I know the IVIG therapy will be covered by my insurance. He is pushing for IVF but I am thinking perhaps we should try a cycle or two of IUI. I'm anxious to start doing something and have been worried that an upcoming business trip I am taking is going to interfere. My next cycle will probably start within a week and then I'll be gone for six days. Everything I read about IVIG is that it needs to be done 7-10 days before ovulation and so I don't want to find out that I need to wait next cycle out because I won't be in town when I need the treatment.

While I am physically going places my excess weight doesn't seem to be going anywhere. And, in fact, it seems to be inviting friends to come over and hang out. Honestly, I didn't eat very well last week and this past weekend was one bad choice after another. This week will be challenging as well. Tonight I am having dinner with a friend, Wednesday I am going out to lunch to catch up with a co-worker on all of our favorite tv shows, and Friday the family is going to the State Fair where there are over 60 food items sold on sticks. How can you pass up food on a stick?

I'm not the only one going places, SB had his first day of school today. Where has my little baby gone? He was so excited and looked so incredibly cute walking into school with his big backpack on. The husband and I hung out in the classroom a little while and then when the teacher was finished checking everyone in we went to leave. SB gave me a big hug and a kiss but only after lamenting that doing so was taking him away from playing with the blocks. Yea, I think he will enjoy kindergarten.