Thursday, August 19, 2010

I'm Not Good at Limbo

I'm sure at some point in my youth I did the limbo. I'm also pretty sure that I wasn't any good at it. Now, far out of my youth, I'm still no good at limbo. I'm not talking about the game though, I'm talking about going through the days, the weeks and the months with no clear direction.

We made the decision to not pursue IVF right now and I have mixed feelings about that. I know it's our best chance for another baby and so it's hard for me to not go that route. At the same time, the IVF we maybe just barely could afford is with a doctor without a lot of IVF experience. If need be, I think it would be better to later on raid my 401K to pay for IVF with Dr. Sherbahn again rather than go forward with a cheaper but chances are less successful option.

No IVF leaves us with trying on our own and/or doing IUIs. This cycle we're trying on our own and that again leads me to mixed feelings. I want nothing more than to get pregnant again but I'm also worried about how we're not doing IVIG this cycle and so what if I do get pregnant and it ends poorly? I just keep telling myself to move forward and stop worrying so much but it's hard.

I've been referred to yet another doctor, another maternal fetal medicine doc, who I am seeing on Monday. The purpose of this is to find someone willing to manage my natural killer cell issue and either have me do IVIG or intralipid infusions. I'm pretty much putting all my eggs into this basket - the basket of finally finding a doctor who will handle my issues - and I keep trying to suppress that nagging feeling of doubt that I have. I am so worried that I will go on Monday and the doc will tell me he doesn't believe in the theory that elevated natural killer cells are a problem, or, he'll say he believes in the theory but doesn't prescribe IVIG. The desperation and frustration would really peak for me then and I just don't think I can take any more disappointment right now. My plate is full enough as it is.

Speaking of full plates, I managed to spend a week out of town on business, eating every meal out and I only gained back a few of the pounds I had lost. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way I have lost all will to diet. The Fresh Diet food delivery is awesome and the food all tastes really great but I'm in a funk where I just want to eat crap or I want to eat what I want to eat instead of eating a dinner I decided on a full week ago. With eating I'm definitely an in the moment person, I get a hankering for something and I go out and get that for my next meal, so the structure of a diet is hard for me. So, I'm thinking of tabling the diet for a while and seeing if I can just focus on maintaining the little bit of weight that I have lost.

Tomorrow's Friday and I'm just hoping like heck that I get paid tomorrow. The bills are stacking up and I need to tackle them this weekend but that will be hard to do with no money.

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