Beating the Odds

When more than one doctor tells you that on any given cycle you have less than a 4% chance of getting pregnant you certainly don't take that as good news. When you get pregnant without any medical help whatsoever you feel shocked, and blessed, and that the pregnancy must really be meant to be because after all, you have beaten the odds. Then, when you lose that pregnancy you don't know what to think. What good is beating the odds if it's just going to be snatched from you 14 weeks later?

Imagine what you think when you beat the odds not just once, but twice.

This is from Thursday night which was 10dpo:



And this was Friday morning, 11dpo:



You name the emotion and I've felt it over the last few days. I'm elated, excited, scared, nervous, anxious, sick to my stomach, worried, relieved.............

I went in Friday night for blood work and my hcg level came back as 26 which seemed shockingly low to me until I realized that I was only 11dpo when it was taken. I've never had a beta that early before. A quick search of betabase.info calmed me when it revealed that the average beta at 11dpo is 23. Yea, so that calmed me for about two minutes until I began to worry about if the number would double. And, what was my progesterone level since Super Doc had told me that is what caused me to lose the last pregnancy.

Saturday brought good news with regards to the progesterone. My level is 30 which is an awesome number. I have been using Crinone to help extend my luteal phases and to counteract the low levels Super Doc seems to think I have. From what I've read though, Crinone doesn't really affect blood levels of progesterone so is it possible that my body is producing that much all on its own?

Today I went in for the big let's see if it doubles beta. To be honest I would have preferred to just not go. I really don't think I can deal with any bad news and so avoidance seems like a good idea. I forced myself to go though and just about threw up when I was walking to the lab. I wanted to beg the lab tech to please do the test right away so that I could find out tonight what the result is. I just know that I won't be able to sleep not knowing what is going on. And yet, what assurance will I have even if it does double? It doubled beautifully last time and in the end that meant nothing.

It's going to be a very long 9 months but I'm hoping I spend that 9 month worried about my pregnancy and baby and not trying to conceive again.