I woke up this morning with a good feeling about today and this week. As I drove into work I told myself that this was going to be a good week. Things were definitely coming my way. Maybe a promotion at work and the hope of getting pregnant again. I was determined to not dwell on what we have lost and instead to look to the future. And then there was the announcement from a friend that she is pregnant and my mood deflated. She and her husband struggled to have their son and so a natural pregnancy is a definite blessing and so very exciting and it's not that I am not excited for her, rather just that I am still overwhelming sad for us and what we have lost. The pain and sadness don't seem to go away. Oh sure, they hide for brief moments but they are never far behind my good mood and good thoughts. It is a constant battle inside my mind to try and stay positive and hopeful but lately I'm wondering if hope is such a good thing. When you have hope you also have reoccurring disappointment when what you want so badly to happen doesn't happen. Without hope it seems you would have acceptance and then perhaps you could make peace with whatever it is you may never get. Is that the better route to take? Should I be focusing on giving up rather than trying again?
Clearly for now I've chosen to keep trying as I am actually using Clomid this cycle. It seems nonsensical to be returning to Clomid but, at the same time, at least it made me feel as though I'm doing something to increase our chances. Next cycle, assuming this one is not successful, will be high-dose Femara along with an IUI. The RE gave us about a 7% chance of getting pregnant doing IUIs. We went to her to discuss doing a micro-ivf but she did not think we would be good candidates. Apparently, her goal for a micro-ivf is to get around seven eggs and that is what I got during a full on assault IVF. I was thinking that the goal would be to produce around two or three really good eggs. I'm still not sure why that isn't a valid plan but I'm also not a doctor. We were given a 10% chance of a micro-ivf working and that comes with about a $10,000 price tag. A full IVF would give us around a 20% chance and carries a price tag of around $18,000. That is just out of our league right now. And so, IUIs that will run around $1,000 seem to be our best option.
The RE we saw seemed to think that progesterone was not the cause of the miscarriage but she also theorized that my weight may have been a contributing factor. Boy doesn't make just make me feel great. She talked about how I should try and lose some weight and how what is a better motivator than trying to get pregnant. She's right and yet for some reason that doesn't seem to click with me at all. Maybe that is because my solace is food and so when I'm feeling down about the miscarriage and even more down about having to go through all this infertility crap again I don't want to be munching on celery. I want cake. Glorious, rich, mousse laden, chocolate cake! It's as though I can only tackle one big thing at a time and that big thing right now is getting pregnant again.
I am going to try though. I have been a member of eDiets for almost a year now and have done absolutely nothing with my membership so last week I ordered the meal delivery and my first shipment should arrive on Wednesday. I hope to only use the meal delivery for a few weeks until I can work out a reasonable plan for cooking for myself. That really shouldn't be that hard and yet time and time again I am proven wrong. Life just really seems to get in the way sometimes.
I am not giving up hope. Not just yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment