Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

Today I am 13 weeks pregnant (but I easily look 20 plus weeks pregnant).  I hesitate to even type that things have been going pretty well.  I feel sick off and on but am not throwing up anywhere even close to how much I did in my other pregnancies.  A little bit of my energy seems to be coming back and so although I'm still in bed by 8:00 p.m. most nights, I'm not necessarily falling asleep that early.  I haven't had any bleeding, thank God, and I dare say I have a lot of hope that this pregnancy will result in a real, live baby.  And yet, there is always that nagging somewhere inside of me saying I shouldn't have told so many people that I am pregnant, that I shouldn't have just bought some new maternity tops, that I shouldn't ever assume this pregnancy will result in a real, live baby.

June 10th is fast approaching, which is when I lost Therese, but my thoughts mainly go back to how horrible my 13th week of pregnancy was with Trey.  I try not to dwell and try to push forward with more positive thoughts but it's hard.  When I found out that I was pregnant I really thought that since this pregnancy was unplanned it wouldn't be so crushing if I did miscarry again, I was wrong.  I know it would crush me and the husband and our children who are patiently awaiting the arrival of a new little brother or little sister.

I think if I can get through the next few weeks I'll have a little less fear.  I hate to wish the time away but I am hoping the next few weeks go quickly.

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