Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Christmas Memories

It's coming upon Christmas which seems to have snuck up on me this year. Perhaps that is because it has yet to snow more than just a dusting and the temperatures here are still in the high 30s and not in the teens as is so common during Wisconsin winters. It seems strange to not just not have a white Christmas but to have a "warm" Christmas.

The closer we get to Christmas the more the memories come flooding back to me. Memories of when I was kid running downstairs to a room full of gifts left by Santa. Oh, the wonder of a Barbie dream house so big it needed an elevator, a globe with bumps marking the mountain ranges, a big head with hair I could style any way I like...........Christmas definitely is for kids. I can't wait for my kids to come downstairs this Christmas and open all of their gifts. The wonder and excitement of children just can not be matched.

One memory I'd rather not have is that of my first miscarriage. I remember small details of those days two years ago as if they just happened yesterday. Seeing my doctor for a regular check-up, listening to a nice strong heart beat and yet leaving his office feeling as though he knew the baby was going to die and he just didn't know how to tell me. Sitting at a friend's house eating lunch and thinking how strange it was that my food aversions had seemingly disappeared. Lifting QT in her car seat and lugging her up to the door and later wondering if that didn't cause the placenta to pull away. Putting together toys for the kids for Christmas and then just seeing blood everywhere. Hearing the excitement in the ER nurses voice when she found the baby's heart beat. Seeing the ultrasound tech shake her head no a few days later when I asked if everything was okay with the baby. The ante-partum nurse handing the husband and I a little box where our dead son lay tucked into a little flannel sleeping bag. Going home to a house filled with leftover Christmas joy only to feel completely empty inside. Even two years later it's hard. Even with Sully's smiling face it's hard. People have said to me "oh, but at least now you have Sully" and although I understand why they say that, Sully hasn't replaced what we lost. After all, you can't just replace one child with another.

I can't wait to make some new, joyous, memories this Christmas.

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