Anniversaries

There are some anniversaries you look forward to like your wedding anniversary and others not so much. This morning when I left the house it was hot but a slight breeze was blowing and I could smell the faint scent of lilacs in the air. I could also feel the baby squirming around in my belly. All seems good until I remember this day last year. My ultrasound appointment was in the morning and I can remember sitting in my kitchen sipping coffee, working the crossword puzzle and listening to the radio. I can remember what I was wearing, my navy pants, white t-shirt and green sweater. I can remember knowing deep down what the ultrasound would show and yet also having this tiny little sliver of hope that things would work out. Of course, things didn't work out and the baby had died. So, I'm a little sad today thinking how I should have a six month old baby girl.

And yes, before anyone says it, I am grateful to be currently pregnant with what I'm hoping will be a happy and healthy baby. I am also grateful that I have two wonderful children at home who give me big hugs and kisses everyday. However, no amount of gratitude for what I have can totally relieve the pain from having lost two children. There are still times when I look at SB and QT playing and I wonder what it would have been like had Trey or Therese lived. I wonder how different our family would be. Watching SB and QT grow up makes me think about the two little ones I will never get to watch grow up. I'll never seeing their budding personalities or see what they would have grown into. Loving your kids who are with you makes you all the more keenly aware of what you have lost with the ones you will never know.