Wednesday, December 8, 2010

All My Love and Good Intentions

My fifth beta came back and it exactly doubled in 48 hours which made me quite happy. It went from 1,417 to 2,834. I was supposed to go back yesterday for a sixth but come on, who really gets six betas? Actually, I would have gone except that my acupuncture appointment got switched to last night and by the time I was done with that I was just too darn tired to go sit at the lab. Also, I am having an ultrasound tomorrow morning and so that will give me more useful information than any beta ever could.

How nervous am I for the ultrasound? So nervous that I think I'm making myself feel sick. Last week we saw the gestational sac but this week we should also be able to see a yolk sac and please, please, please a baby with a heartbeat. I know I'm just setting myself up for disappointment by having such high expectations but can't a baby help it's mother out some and just reassure me just this once?

As for feeling sick, I've been over analyzing every little twinge. Last week I had many incidences of bad cramps, like more than I've ever felt before and so I worried if I was starting to miscarry. Was my lower back hurting so much from lifting QT all the time or was it a sign that I was miscarrying? My lack of appetite I took as a great sign but now yesterday and today my appetite is normal. Heck, last night I ordered and ate a McRib so clearly I'm not having food aversions because if you'd be averse to something it should be a McRib. Monday I felt joyfully sick to my stomach but then felt just fine yesterday and today. Tuesday I felt a spot of pain in my right calf and just knew my body was forming another blood clot. Today, thankfully, no pain at all in my calf.

So, what do I do to try and calm myself down? I put my hands on my stomach and say "I am sending you all my love and good intentions" and I hope like heck that the baby can hear me and is listening. You are very much wanted and very much loved.

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