Thursday, October 14, 2010

Be Kind 39

I'm 39 now and feel the pressure of time passing as it relates to having more children. Last year I felt as though I still had two good years ahead of me and a plan in place. As it turned out, I was actually already pregnant and just didn't know it yet. But, as we all know, that pregnancy ended followed by another loss just six months later. So, 38 kinda sucked. I'm hoping that year 39 will be kinder and gentler to me and my babies.

Today is the big day for test results. I have another consultation with Dr. Coulam and all the results, for both me and the husband, are in. I'm nervous. I keep trying to come up with the scenario that I'd be okay with but honestly there isn't one. Option one would be that she tells me all the tests were normal and wouldn't that be good news? Well, yes, except that would still leave me with no answers as to why I lost two babies and really wouldn't give me a ton of comfort going forwards. Option two would be she says such and such is wrong and these are the treatment options. At least then I would have a partial answer but oh the pressure of having to make decisions about moving forward. Should we keep trying, what are the risks, what are our odds of having a successful pregnancy, will the treatments even work, etc. Option three would be that she just tells me that it would be best to not have more children. Clearly, a devastating option, and yet freeing in that it really leaves me with no decisions to make other than if we want to pursue adoption and what to do with our little frozen embryo. Why can't life just be simple for once?

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