Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sometimes Being Right Sucks

Not to brag or anything, but I tend to be right about things. I always joke with the husband that he should just listen to me the first time because 99.8% of the time I am right.

And so it did not surprise me when I was right about the baby. The ultrasound at 10 weeks showed a baby that had stopped developing at 7wk4d. This is one thing I so wanted to not be right about. I wanted that dream of having it all work out. I remember laying on the ultrasound table and crying and being so upset and telling my husband how I was right and no-one had believed me. I think I found that part the most frustrating. Isn't everyone always saying how you should trust your gut? But then when a woman is saying how she knows her body and knows the baby growing (or no longer growing) inside her everyone treats her like she's crazy and tells her to just think positive and don't worry because it will all work out. Except that it doesn't always work out.

This is my second loss in under six months. Especially hard is that this loss falls so close to when I would have had Trey and now my due date for this baby will fall at the same time I miscarried last year. Ugh. That is just too much to take.

I don't want to say that this loss has been easier than the last but I think since I knew it was coming my grief has been spread out over the last eight weeks instead of it all hitting at once. What I am having a ton of trouble with is being right back where I was. Back to not being pregnant but trying to get pregnant. Back to wondering if we should try on our own or should we do an IUI and if so with what drugs and how many cycles should we try before moving on, and on and on............. I do not deal well with the unknown and so I am trying to take comfort in my deep held belief that I know I will have another child one day.

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