Friday, June 13, 2008

Missing - One Type A Personality

Please let me know if you find my lost type A personality. Normally I am very much the control freak. When we decided to try and have a child I was all about charting, green tea, mucinex, cbefm, etc. After having my son we decided to start trying again right away. Six months later I was worried and because of my age started seeking treatment. I researched, kept charting, used the cbefm, added in some opks, began clomid. I went to an RE and then switched to another and finally to yet another, always looking for a place more responsive with better success rates. I questioned the docs and nurses about every aspect of my treatment. I googled relentlessly. Then, something changed, I started this IVF cycle. Don't get me wrong, I still google things here and there but today, as with all my other follie checks, I didn't even ask the tech to write down how many I had and what size they are. I've never asked what my E2 level is and find it oddly comforting to NOT know what it is. People say that ignorance is bliss and I think that I'm beginning to agree! Knowing every last detail just gives me more things to worry about and why worry about something I can't change? This is a whole new feeling for me.

If you haven't reached the ignorance is bliss state yet listen to some Van Morrison and perhaps that will help change the tide. Not that Van promotes ignorance, but some of his songs are very much about letting go and letting God. I highly recommend The Mystery and Whenever God Shines His Light. What could be more mysterious than how babies are made?

Oh, and because I haven't completely abandoned my desire for knowledge, I did at least ask the nurse how things looked and she responded with "it looks as though you have a couple of mature follicles." At the same time she told me to order more Luveris, enough to get me through Tuesday morning. I sure hope I'm not still stimming come Tuesday! Right now I'm waiting for them to call and let me know what the next step is.

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